John Helldiver is what happens when battlefield exaggeration, propaganda bravado, and gallows humour all collide at orbital drop speed. He’s not a man you’ll find on a roster or a statue you’ll see back on Super Earth. He’s the story that gets told after the mission, the one that starts with “you won’t believe this” and ends with something physically impossible, scientifically questionable, and absolutely true in spirit.
In a universe where Helldivers are meant to be disposable, John Helldiver is the joke that refuses to die. He’s the diver who punches tanks, rides chargers for sport, names Titans like pets, and treats supernovas as nap spots. Every absurd line about him is a wink to the reality of the game: players regularly survive chaos that should kill them ten times over. So instead of accepting that it was “just another Helldiver,” the legend inflates. Naturally. Because saying “a random expendable soldier did this” just doesn’t feel right.
So is John Helldiver real? Depends who you ask. Officially, no, Super Earth would never admit one soldier mattered more than another. Unofficially? He’s every Helldiver who pulled off something ridiculous, every near-impossible extraction, every last-second objective completion while everything was on fire. John Helldiver isn’t one person, he’s the collective lie Helldivers tell for fun, for morale, and for the sheer joy of pretending that this time, the universe really did send its toughest bastard. And honestly… he might be your dad.
Album: Fragfest
Duration: 03:45
Release Date: 2025-12-05
Track Number: 9
Single: Yes
Artist Nerdburglars
Lyrics
When the bugs started swarming, the skies turned red,
John Helldiver woke up and rolled out of bed.
With his bare hands, he once fought a tank,
Has a pet Titan that he named Frank
He once drank a volcano and asked for more,
He's the one, the only, charger matador
John Helldiver, the unkillable force,
Killing termanids is his power source.
He’s the phantom diver, the hero we crave,
John Helldiver, can't be sent to the grave
In the depths of the void, where the darkness resides,
He took down a Hive Lord with a power slide.
His laughter is thunder, his gaze pure fire,
Flosses his teeth with a roll of barbed wire
He once rode into a black hole just for the thrill,
There's no foe on the battlefield he can't kill.
John Helldiver, the unkillable force,
Killing termanids is his power source.
He’s the phantom diver, the hero we crave,
John Helldiver, can't be sent to the grave
He once shot a bug from a mile away,
And saved a whole planet in a single day.
They say he can reload with just a thought,
Theres no enemy that he hasn’t fought
In the heart of a supernova, he takes a nap,
John Helldiver, the one-man deathtrap.
John Helldiver, the unkillable force,
Killing termanids is his power source.
He’s the phantom diver, the hero we crave,
John Helldiver, can't be sent to the grave
He can charm any woman, best they ever had,
John Helldiver might be your dad.
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